A Simple Method to Help Your Child Fall Asleep and Stay Asleep

Do you dread bedtime? For many parents, bedtime doesn’t mean cuddling, reading books, and bidding their child goodnight in order to have some alone time. For you and your child bedtime might involve crying, lying next to your child until they fall asleep (for what can feel like hours), or negotiation.

Though it might not seem like it, these bedtime battles and night-time wakeups are often related. A common cause of night-wakings are negative sleep associations. Sleep associations are cues that tell a child that it’s time to fall asleep, or help them fall back asleep. Negative sleep associations are those that require something that was available when a child first fell asleep (e.g., rocking), but isn’t available when they wake slightly in the night (as all kids do) in order to fall back asleep.

So if you are lying next to your child until they fall asleep, or rocking them until they fall asleep (etc.), they may wake up slightly in the night looking for your presence, and it not being there might cause them to wake up fully (cue crying)!

You may be asking, “I’ve been lying with my child until she falls asleep for months, what do I do now?”

One option I suggest is the “Excuse Me Method”. This method got its name because it involves you being with your child in their room as usual, then making an excuse to leave (“excuse me, I need to ”) and staying out of the room for longer and longer periods of time with each “excuse” until your child falls asleep on their own. You are providing reassurance less and less often, and rewarding them (by returning and even offering praise and affection when you do) for staying on their own in their bed for longer and longer periods of time at bedtime.

Who it works for:

This gentle sleep training method works to eliminate a sleep association that involves your presence (laying with your child until they’re asleep, rubbing their back until they’re asleep, etc.). It works better for children who are a little older: think close to age three and up. They should be able to understand what you’re saying and how your action relates to that.

How it works:

In order to use this method you will go through your bedtime routine, ending up as you usually would in order for your child to fall asleep. The parent who usually stays with your child until they fall asleep should stay in the bedroom as usual.   

You will then make an excuse to leave the room. The actual excuse you use doesn’t matter (yoga, scrub the sink, do a handstand!), but lean toward boring excuses that won’t make your child want to join you (e.g., “I need to go check on the laundry, I’ll be right back!”) and leave the room for a short period of time. When you return, go back to doing whatever you would normally do: lie down, cuddle, etc! Then, make another excuse and stay out of the room for a little longer, and so on. The goal is that your child will fall asleep independently at some point with you out of the room, and remove the need for you to be present when they fall asleep.

Why it’s a good idea:

This is a gentle sleep training method, and allows you to provide a lot more reassurance and affection than many other sleep training methods. It’s also a proven and effective method.

The downside:

It’s going to take a while. I would plan to devote at least a few consistent weeks to this method.

The way I look at it, though, if you’ve already been spending your evenings putting your child to sleep, then this won’t be a huge change in the amount of time you’re spending, and you’ll be on your way to independent sleep!

Removing a negative sleep association this way might be the right solution for your family, but sleep is complex and there are many ways to address children’s sleep struggles. If you want to find out why your child isn’t sleeping and what you can do to change it, take my free 3-minute quiz: The Positive & Practical Sleep Assessment. I created this quiz to help parents find the likely cause of their child’s sleep issues and give them a simple starting point for addressing them.