The thing you’re doing that’s making your child’s bedtime harder

Have you heard the term “curtain call”? Not the one that happens on stage. This curtain call occurs just after you’ve bid your child goodnight, and takes the form of “one more hug?”, or, “I’m thirsty, I need a glass of water!”. Alternatives include bathroom break needs, requests to check the closet for monsters, or one more story. These curtain calls also typically occur just as you’ve mentally checked out of parenting for the night, ready to relax with some Netflix and a glass of wine.

But these curtain calls do have a consequence other than keeping you from watching Love is Blind. As with bedtime resistance that occurs before or during bedtime routine, curtain calls that occur night after night eventually affect circadian rhythms and shift bedtime later, ensuring that bedtime resistance will continue to occur since your child actually won’t be tired. They can also mean that you have an overtired kid on your hands. And did I mention they are common in kids from age 2 all the way to age 8?

Why are curtain calls so common with kids, and why are they hard to stop? One answer is a fancy term called intermittent reinforcement. The effects of intermittent reinforcement were discovered by psychologist B.F. Skinner (1956), who found that rewarding behavior (in this case rats pressing on a lever for food) intermittently, or inconsistently, caused that behavior to persist for longer than behavior that was rewarded consistently. Rats pushed the level more often when it was reinforced with a food pellet only sometimes, and less often when it was always reinforced.

Or, in plain speak, if your behavior is rewarded only sometimes you are more likely to continue doing it, and doing so with gusto. This finding has been replicated across many types of behavior, many times.

So what does this have to do with your child’s bedtime curtain call, you ask? Well, think of your child’s curtain calls as the behavior, and your response to them as the reinforcement. Do you sometimes give one more hug? Do you sometimes say “no, you have to go to bed now.”? Intermittent reinforcement!

This isn’t a recommendation to continuously reinforce curtain calls either (at some point, your kid needs to go to bed!) But it is a recommendation to be consistent with your limits. For example, you could say that your consistent bedtime routine means that you read maximum three books, give one big hug and kiss, and then the requests stop after you say “goodnight”. You could also say that one, and only one, request or trip out of the bedroom is allowed after saying goodnight (this is sometimes referred to as a bedtime pass).

Another tip? Curtain calls are most likely to occur after the switch from the crib to a bed (ages 2-8 or so) so don’t make that switch if you’re already having sleep troubles! If your child’s sleep problems include more than just curtain calls, I created a free quiz to help you diagnose the cause of your child’s sleep struggles and suggest a proven strategy to start implementing right away. Click below to begin: