A No-Cry Approach to Stop Co-Sleeping (The How-To)

Breaking hard, new things into more achievable steps is a great way to teach most things, and sleep is no exception. Last week I wrote about preparing to transition your child from co-sleeping to sleeping independently using a no-cry method called “sleep fading”. This week I will describe the process of removing, or “fading” yourself at the time of your child’s sleep, which helps them learn to fall asleep with you farther and farther away. You are taking what is potentially a huge transition and breaking it up into “steps”, moving from step to step when your child can fall asleep easily.

You want the first change to be as minimal as possible. If you’ve been co-sleeping, the most important sleep association your child has is probably your presence, so that is what you want to fade out. I suggest you do this by moving your presence into their room, and co-sleep there. This will make the first change the location of sleep. You likely won’t fit in your child’s new toddler bed, so try blowing up an air mattress and setting it next to your child’s bed. I suggest you sleep there the entire night at first, since this will be a big change for your child, and your child will probably still have trouble falling asleep. I suggest you do this, and each subsequent step, for three nights of “good sleep”. I’m going to describe “good sleep” as your child falling asleep in approximately the same amount of time it usually takes for them to fall asleep, and without being upset. If your child is upset, sleeping abnormally restlessly, or taking forever to fall asleep, don’t count it as a night of good sleep.

It’s important to note that your child may still resist this change. Change is hard! I recommend comforting your child, and preparing what you will say ahead of time. Something simple like, “I love you and you’re ok, it’s time to go to sleep!” is great to use during this step and following steps.

If spending the entire night in your child’s new room isn’t an option, I would recommend starting at step 2: having your child fall asleep with you lying next to them, but leaving once he or she is asleep. There is some flexibility in the rest of the steps (again, we are taking the big change from your child falling asleep next to you to falling asleep independently and dividing it into smaller steps that make sense), but here are some recommendations:

Step 3: Sitting on the edge of the child’s bed

Step 4: Sitting somewhere in their room, maybe on a chair away from the bed

Step 5: Sitting by the door

Step 6: Sitting outside of the door in the hallway

Step 7: Falling asleep without your presence

Again, wait to move to the next step until your child has fallen asleep easily for three nights in a row with that step. It can be tempting to move more quickly, but time and patience are key to a successful transition here. Additionally, don’t be discouraged if you have a few difficult nights in a row. This is normal, and may suggest that you should actually go backwards a step. This is OK, because you have a plan and know what your next step will be when your child is ready.

Removing your presence completely may understandably be the most difficult step, since your child will no longer have your presence at all to help them fall asleep. If this step is too distressing, try telling them that you are going to leave for just a minute, and then will be back. Keep your word, and the next time (in the same night) say it will be for “a couple minutes”. Keep doing this, slowly increasing the time, until your child falls asleep.

An important thing to note is that your child will likely wake up in the night. If she does, you can and should comfort them, but you want to try to do so from the location you were fading from at bedtime. So if you were sitting on a chair in the middle of the room, return to that spot. You are still there for your child physically, and are still providing comfort from the script you used at bedtime (“You are ok…”).

There is a lot to consider when you’re sleep fading, and it can be hard to know whether it’s time to move to the next step or not. This can especially be the case when you’re doing this at night and are a bit sleep deprived! That’s why I created a printable sleep chart to help parents simplify one aspect of the sleep fading process. It helps you figure out what “good sleep” looks like for your child, as well as track your child’s progress and let you decide when it’s time to move to the next step. If you’d like the free sleep chart, click below to download it!