Better Bedtimes with a Sticker Chart
Do you ever shut your eyes at night only to have your thoughts flooded with every anxiety-provoking situation you encountered that day or that you might encounter the next day? Bedtime can also be a time when kids experience some anxiety, and it can play a part in the long, time consuming bedtime battles and crying and screaming that result when a parent gets ready to leave the room. However, sometimes anxiety that was previously real has alleviated but been replaced by habitual bedtime avoidance, or the reaction is larger than the actual anxiety.
By the end of the day, parents are tired and ready for that precious commodity of alone time. I know that I look forward to the time after I put my son to bed as the one time of the day that I can relax, spend time with my husband, and have some “me time”, and I don’t think I’m alone! Combining parents’ fatigue and readiness for some time off with their child’s bedtime battle and list of demands prior to falling asleep, and bedtime is a difficult time for most parents.
Bedtime battles can make that bedtime routine with children something parents (and kids) dread, instead of look forward to. Instead of being a sweet time to connect before parting ways for the night, the process is started with trepidation, with parents just waiting for the fighting to begin.
And not having time to recharge in the evening not only affects a parent’s well-being, or the health of a marriage. Not getting adequate sleep leaves adults feeling drained the next day, feeling like they aren’t being the fun and upbeat parent they want to be. And routines are just that; the longer then go on, the more entrenched they become and the more difficult they are to change long-term.
As a parent, I have often struggled to find the balance between when to help my child do something independently, even if it’s hard at first, and when he just truly needs his mom’s comfort. I’ve always found anything related to sleep to be extra tricky. As my son has gotten older and is better able to communicate and understand what I’m telling him, I’ve felt more comfortable helping him become more independent. Although addressing anxiety that’s experienced at bedtime is sometimes more complex than this, there is a simple strategy that will often help you differentiate between habitual bedtime avoidance and overwhelming fear, as well as small versus large fears.
A sticker chart is a positive way to reward a child for going to bed without a battle. A little extra motivation goes a long way, and a sticker chart provides that extra motivation for your child to decide, “ok, I’m not actually scared (or that scared), it’s worth it to me to just lay down and go to sleep when Mom says goodnight.”
The key to an effective sticker chart is to ensure at least a little success, even if your child still struggles at bedtime right away. For example, if bedtime is your biggest struggle, you could set up the sticker chart so that your child can earn three stickers. He can earn one for other “bedtime behavior”, such as not waking anyone in the night, and another for staying in bed until a reasonable hour in the morning. The chance to earn a third sticker for being tucked in without getting out again before he falls asleep, whining, etc. should motivate him to say, “good night!” without any issues if he can.
Some things to consider when setting up the bedtime sticker chart:
1. Make clear what earns a sticker and what doesn’t.
Does your child get to ask for “one more hug?” or a glass of water after you say goodnight, or come out of her room one time? Set the expectations, at first starting with what is achievable for your child, and make sure your child understands.
2. Make it achievable.
If bedtime typically includes crying, screaming, and multiple times coming out of the room, don’t start your sticker chart by saying that your child only earns a sticker if they silently go to sleep after you say goodnight and turn out the lights. Maybe allow them a maximum of two times coming out of their room after saying goodnight in order to earn a sticker at first. You can always set the expectation a little higher as you have some success.
3. Identify the reward, and how many stickers need to be earned for it.
With younger kids, it’s useful to have a reward every day. They can have more or less of this reward (e.g., screen time, chocolate chips, trinkets), depending on how many stickers they earn. Older kids can wait a little longer for a reward, in order to earn something bigger or more valuable (e.g., a toy).
4. Be consistent.
When a parent tells me that a sticker chart isn’t working, it’s my job to figure out what happened. Sometimes the reward wasn’t achievable because we weren’t doing a good job of meeting the child where he was at, but often the reason is because the sticker chart wasn’t being used consistently. Make sure you give a sticker every time your child earns it (would you go to work every day without earning a paycheck?). Also, be sure not to set rules for earning a sticker, then backtrack on them. Your child will learn to test how far they can go while still earning a sticker.
5. Finally, make sure your child knows what if he’s truly frightened, he can still come to you.
If your child is struggling from significant anxiety, a sticker chart is not going to alleviate that, and you want to be sure that you are there to provide comfort. Remember, the purpose of the sticker chart is to help differentiate between this type of anxiety and more habitual bedtime avoidance.
If bedtime, or anything related to your child’s sleep, is a struggle for your family and you have three minutes, take my quiz to find out a potential reason your child isn’t sleeping and get a proven solution to start getting you some sleep.