How to Stop Tantrums

Tantrums are one of the hallmarks of the toddler years. There is even a (pretty funny) tumblr where parents can add their reasons why their toddler is crying. Every parents is told tantrums are coming, warned of the “terrible” toddler years full of tantrums ahead, and given….completely conflicting ways to handle them.

But what if years of toddler tantrums aren’t something we (and our children) just have to endure? As parents we hear that tantrums are developmentally appropriate. And they are, initially. But an extended pattern of tantrums indicates that the child has learned something from the tantrum.

Because we know that tantrums are (initially) developmentally appropriate want to be empathetic. We also want to model empathy for our children because we want our children to grow up to be empathetic! But how is one supposed to be truly empathetic when your child is on his umpteenth tantrum of the day, this time because “the toast is round, not square!” or because we gave them the wrong color spoon (but then they no longer want that color spoon)? We’re told to ignore these tantrums, but we also want our children to feel heard. We don’t want to discipline them for having emotions, but also want them to realize that screaming, throwing, and hitting are not ok.

This combination of repeatedly dealing with a really hard behavior and having no idea what to do about it can leave parents feeling burned out, disconnected from their child, and insecure about their parenting. Many times parents will try their best to handle the tantrum initially and then end up yelling out of frustration.  Sometimes, especially after a day of tantrums, it feels easier to just give the child what he wants rather than listen to hours (or what feels like hours) of screaming and crying. Being unsure of how to best help our child without accepting the tantrums and while keeping our sanity is an uncomfortable place to be.

The truth is, the way we respond to our children’s tantrums is important. Children learn that their tantrum either gets them what they want (the thing they are tantruming about, attention, out of something that they don’t want to do) or that it doesn’t. And of course, if they learn that the tantrum gets them the thing they want, they will be more likely to throw them in the future.

While children are capable of learning this, it’s important to point out that they don’t do this by logically scheming to do so. They are not thinking to themselves, “That tantrum really got Mommy’s attention! Next time I need her attention I will definitely throw another tantrum.” But over time (and it doesn’t take that many times!), they are conditioned to realize what the consequences are of their behavior.

The other reason your response to tantrums is important is because allowing your child to move through them independently allows him the chance to learn how to self-regulate. Trying to end a tantrum for a child by giving him what he wants, or even trying to talk them out of it by problem solving isn’t effective in the long-term and actually takes away his chance to build self-regulation.

A parent described her child’s tantruming challenge like this: “When my two-year-old daughter tantrums she screams demands (that I can hardly understand) at me. If I get her what she asks for, she will then ask for the opposite. If I get her the blanket she asks for, hoping to provide some comfort and calm her down, she will then throw the blanket across the room. I know these tantrums are natural at her age, so I feel bad ignoring them, but if I try to stay close to her she will yell for me to go away. So what typically happens is that I’ll stay close for a while, then give up (when I can’t take it anymore) and go do something else, like wash dishes in the kitchen, and leave her to clam down by herself. I feel so unsure of what the best thing is to do when these situations arise.”

This parent is clearly trying multiple tactics in the same tantrum, with her child’s best interests in mind, but it isn’t working. So, what’s a parent to do? Have a plan.

1.       Start at home.

The first suggestion I want to make about dealing with tantrums is that it’s best to start at home. You have more control here, and less of an audience that might sway you to respond in ways you hope will eliminate the tantrum more quickly (but occur more long-term). If tantrums have been occurring a while, it is going to take time and repeated opportunities to diminish tantrums.

2.       Stop the tantrum when you can.

Although it can feel like tantrums go from zero to 60, the reality is that your child likely has some tip-off that a tantrum is imminent (maybe whining or crying to get something), and this is the best place to start responding thoughtfully. If your child is whining for something, aim for a calm and confident empathetic response:  “I understand that you want another cookie, and it makes you feel sad that you can’t have one, but we’re all done with cookies.” Another example, if you were OK with the child having another cookie would be: “I understand that you feel sad because you want another cookie so badly. Ask me in a nice voice/Say, more cookies please?” If the cookie was allowed and your child asked nicely, hurray! Give them the cookie! This approach helps your child learn to identify his emotions (which we all know is important!), provides empathy, and also sets a clear expectation. Another great option: give the child a choice when you can.

3.       Identify emotion, empathize, and make your expectation clear again.

Then, if the whining or crying persists, continue with the emotion identifying and empathy, but also let the child know that doing so isn’t acceptable. An example you could use is, “I understand you’re sad because I said no more cookies. It’s hard to be done with cookies, but whining is not ok.” If your child stops whining or crying at this point, acknowledge it! “You are really sad about not getting more cookies, but you calmed down! What a big girl you are!” Here I want to briefly make a point about responding to positive behavior being much more effective than trying to deal with negative behavior.

4.       Remember that the tantrum belongs to your child.

At this point, if whining and crying persists (and I would call any prolonged whining and crying a tantrum) or even escalates into more intense tantrum behavior such as throwing or hitting, repeat to yourself: “this is my child’s battle”. You have empathized, acknowledged emotions, and set your boundaries. As hard as it is for us as parents to experience our child’s discomfort and disappointment, we also know that it is a natural part of life.

Also remember that how you respond to this tantrum shapes future tantrums. Tempting as it can be to give in, it is important for your child to learn that a tantrum is not an effective way to get what he wants, no matter how intense the tantrums get (and, in fact, when you begin not giving in to tantrums, you will likely find that they do initially intensify and lengthen; take comfort in knowing that this means you are doing something right!)

5.       Hold space and wait.

At this point, you want to hold space for your child. Avoid staring at them while they are having their tantrum. Remain present if it doesn’t seem to be affecting your child, allowing you to monitor for safety and your child’s state, but let your child work his tantrum out. If you’d prefer, or you feel that your child is watching you and your reaction to the tantrum, move yourself out of the room to do something. Regardless, calm and confidence are key, as it’s important for your child to know that you are in control though they aren’t. Initially calming down may take a very long time. It will likely feel even longer! No matter how long the tantrum is, as long as your child is safe, let it happen and let your child figure out how to end it. There’s even the chance that your child will fall asleep, since tantrums require a tremendous amount of energy. That’s ok!

If your child’s tantrum behavior turns aggressive or destructive, gently prevent them from doing so. This is actually reassuring to a child who needs to feel like the adult in their life is in control even when they aren’t. You can tell them once “I’m going to keep you from hurting ____”, but beyond that, try to avoid explanations or problem solving of any kind. Your child isn’t in a place to rationalize, and doing so will likely make the tantrum worse or even extend it. If aggressive and destructive behavior are common during tantrums, it can be useful to identify a safe place where you can bring your child when he throws a tantrum. Let him know ahead of time that it is the location you will bring him when he has a tantrum, and bring him there immediately every time he tantrums.

6.       Be there when it’s over.

Repeat after me: the best way to reduce problematic behavior is to strengthen desirable behavior. After the tantrum is over and your child has been calm for a minute or two, give him a big hug and kiss and say “I’m so glad you’re feeling better!” Connect, praise, and then move on.

Also, while this post is about how to respond to tantrums when they occur, I want to end with a reminder that giving lots of attention, praise, hugs, etc. when your child is behaving appropriately is the best way to eliminate tantrums in the first place.

Thank you for taking the time to read. I really hope this helps those of you dealing with tantrums at home who are unsure of how you should be responding.

If you found this article helpful, please check out my other blog posts. In particular, if you’re struggling with your child’s sleep, take this short quiz that will help you diagnose the problem and present a simple initial solution.